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The 

Society Column 




BECKLEY- ORDY COMPANY 

Chicago 



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BEGKLE Y-CABDY COMF ANY, Publishers, CHICAGO 



THE SOCIETY 
COLUMN 



BY 



STELLA T. PAYSON 

AUTHOR OF "the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' 




im 



BECKLEY-CAEDY COMPANY 

CHICAGO 









COPYEIGHT, 1922, BY 

BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 



Printed in the United States of America 



©CI.D 63152 

DEC 26 '22 



CHAEACTEES 

{Nine Young Men, Nine Young Ladies, and One Small 

Girl) 

Jeff Stewart . . . .• Editor 

Billy Williams. Assistant editor 

Jim Street Printer 

Sam Any young mam 

Si Doane Any young man 

Mr. Carpenter A merchant 

Grandpa Smalley Old, lame, irascible 

Mr. Barton A deaf old gentleman 

Ollie Hawkins Who doesn't say a word 

Aunt Jennie Green Bright and sharp 

Mamie Prince Just a girl 

Lucie Van Loan Just a girl 

Bess Just a girl 

Lulu Looker Just a girl 

*'The Bindle Girl" Just a girl 

Ann Jane Graves A small girl 

Miss Joyce BoesnH have a word to say 

Two Women. . . .Appear only once and coidd he imper- 
sonated if necessary hy two of the girls 

Place: Any Country Town 

Time : Noiu 

Time of Playing : Forty -five Minutes 



SYNOPSIS 

Two young men, Jeff and Bill, finding their paper, 
The Howler, unprofitable, decide to start a society col- 
umn. Jeff, the editor, is called away at the critical 
moment, leaving the arrangement of the column to the 
inexperienced Billy, who has been filled up with fake 
news by a bunch of mischievous friends. The issue of 
the paper causes endless trouble, which, however, is grad- 
ually straightened out and all ends happily. 



SCENERY AND PEOPERTIES 

The scenery required is very simple — an office, with 
a table, a lot of papers for pretended consultation, cal- 
endars and posters on the walls, several chairs, two 
entrances, one to the street and one to the rear office. 

In Scene II, a street scene, the people may come on at 
either side to Bill in the center of the stage, the two 
women who pass coming on at one side and going off 
at the other. 

In Scene III, where Bill has the stage alone and has 
a great deal to say, as he works at the table, he could 
have his speech lying among the papers and be really 
reading it. 

A good plan would be to pad the talk with local hits. 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 



SCENE I 

Country Editor's office — door at rear, tahle, chairs, 
side entrance. Jeff at tahle with scissors and 
paste pot, cutting news out of papers, pasting on 
sheets of brown paper to make copy. 

Jeff. There, that '11 be my first page — a war — a wed- 
ding — a strike — a shipwreck — a funny story — a new 
prophet telling when the world will end — I ought to 
have a murder — [running over the papers about him, 
searching] a murder — a murder — oh here's a good, 
one! '^John, crazed by sorrow, murders Betty." Aw, 
John was an old dog and got mad at the cat for 
stealing his dinner and killed her. What fool stuff! 
A murder — a murder — oh, here 's one — yes, this will 
do. It was in Italy, but that 's all right, [Holding 
off page.] Yes, that '11 do the first page. Second 
page, editorial. Gosh, Bill and I '11 have to dope out 
something about Congress and the way Senator Smith 
h not getting us that drinking fountain — Oh, blame 
the blinkin' stuff! There ought to be something in 
this old burg to fill up on.— [Calls] Oh, Bill! Say, 
Bill! 

Bill [outside] . All right Jeff, coming. 

5 



6 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

Enter Bill, from rear, in shirt sleeves, ^^ stick" in 
hand, sleeves rolled up, hair mussy, hands inky. 

Bill. Well, what next? How can I ever get this copy- 
set up, if you keep calling me off every once in so 
often ? 

Jeff, We Ve got to have something nifty on our last 
page. We can't get a living this way. Six subscribers 
stopped the paper last month. If we don't dope out 
something fetching, we '11 be in the soup, pronto. 

Bill. Well, I can't think of anything more. I got old 
man Moses to give us that ad about his new root beer 
and all the old ladies in the W. C. T. U. nearly skinned 
me alive about it, and said if we didn't leave it out, 
they 'd all stop their paper. 

Jeff. I see all these papers have what they call a ^'So- 
ciety Column/' telling all about folks by name, like 
this : [Picks up paper] ' ' Miss Mary Hicks is visiting 
her cousin. Miss Gwendolyn Perkins, over the week- 
end. Miss Hicks' many friends are glad to see her 
in Hillsboro again." And like this: *'The many 
friends of Mr. Percy Scuttle will be sorry to hear that, 
when returning from a merry gathering of the Amal- 
gamated Amateur Amblers, on Tuesday night, he had 
the misfortune to fall into his own coal cellar and, 
being unable to make himself heard, had to remain 
there until morning." Hard luck, Percy. 

Bill. Oh, toodle-oo Percy! Naughty, naughty! 

Jeff. Of course that 's rot, but all the same it takes, 
and we '11 just try it out. You put that stick away, 
put on your coat and hat and go out and find out 
what 's going on. Who has a visitor, who 's new in 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 7 

town, who 's going to be married, who has been away — 

Bill. Aw, come off. I can't go asking that sort of 
thing — 

Jeff. Yes, you can. I 've got to get the third page 
made up. All you have to do is to keep your eyes 
open and ask questions — who 's giving one of those 
storms — no, I mean showers for a bride and — oh, any- 
thing at all about the folks. They '11 be crazy to see 
their names in the paper and will send copies to all 
their friends. 

Bill. Aw, Jeff — 

Jeff [hrandisJimg scissors] . Go on, chase yourself out. 
You '11 make it. 

[Bill goes out rear, sadly. Returns in coat and hat, 
a noiebook in hand.] 

Bill. Here— gimme them questions again. 

Jeff. What questions? 

Bill. Them I have to ask — who 's getting married, and 
who 's dead, and so on. 

Jeff. Oh, you don't have to ask those things. 

Bill [desperately]. I've got to have something to go 
on, haven't I? 

Jeff. Who has visitors, who 's gone away, who 's going 
to be married, or have a party or has had a partj^ — 

Bill. Or who might, could, would or should have a 
party. 

Jeff [snatching up rider and flinging it at Bill]. Aw, 
get out. I didn't think you knew that much about 
grammar. 

Bill goes out laughing, as curtain is drawn. 



SCENE II 

Street. Bill^ standing, notebook in hand, looking 
desperately right and left and muttering. 

Bill. Who 's gettin' married, who 's in town, who 's 
out of town, who 's dead, who 's — oh, there comes Ma- 
mie Prince, I '11 ask her some of this stuff. 

Enter Mamie. 

Mamie. Hello, Bill, what are you standing there for, 
looking as if you 'd lost your last friend ? 

Bill. Oh, hello, Mamie. I guess you 're just the per- 
son I want. I 've got some questions here I 'd like 
to ask you. 

Mamie. Ask away. 

Bill [reading from noteho^ok]. Who's got a visitor? 
Who 's dead ? Who 's gone away 1 Who 's getting 
married ? 

Mamie [excited]. Oh — oh! Billy! Is someone getting 
married? Who is it? 

Bill. I 'm asking you. 

Mamie. Oh, there go Bess and Lucie. Hoo-hoo girls ! 

Bess and Lucie come up, running. 
Bess. What is it, Mamie? 

Mamie. Bill says someone is going to be married. 
Bill. I didn't. I said, '^ Who's getting married?" 
Mamie. Well, that 's the same thing. You might tell us. 
Bess and Lucie. Do, Bill, tell us who it is. 
Bill. I don't know, I 'm askin' you — 

8 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 9 

Lucie. I bet I know who it is ! 

Bess 

Mamie J- [together]. Oh, who is it? 

Bill 

Lucie [giggling]. Old Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jen- 
nie Green. 

Mamie and Bess [disgustedly]. Oh Lucie, you goose! 

[All laugh, then notice that Bill is writing in his 

boo^k. They nudge each other and try to peep over.] 

Bill. Thanks, girls. That 's fine. I '11 put it in the 
Society Column. 

Mamie 

Lucie ^The Somety Column! 

Bess 

Bess. Oh Bill, are you going to have a So<^iety Column? 

Bill. Sure are. 

Lucie [coqusttishly] . Now Bill, don't forget to put 
us all in it. ''Our beautiful young townswoman, 
Miss Lucie Van Loan, has just returned from a morn- 
ing's shopping in the neighboring metropolis." 

Bess. And, "The clever and interesting daughter of 
■our local physician has recently had a short article 
printed in The City Ledger.''^ 

Mamie. And don't forget that ''Miss Mamie Prince 
entertained the Ladies' Aid on Wednesday evening 
at her palatial home on Pine street." Bye-bye, Billy 
dear. Good luck to your Society Columnf 
[Girls run off laughing. Bill ptdls out notebook and 
writes busily.] 

Bill. Shopping — neighboring metropolis — clev — and 



10 THE SOCIETY- COLUMN 

interesting — local physician, how the deuce do yon 
spell physician — aw, Jeff will know. Miss Mamie 
Prince (some girl that!) what 's this? Oh, they said 
that Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green are 
going to get married — ^by gummy, now what do you 
know about that ? Here comes John Barton. What 's 
brought him in today? Wonder if he can tell me 
any news, wonder if I can make him hear? 

Enter Mr. Barton^ old, deaf, rough clothes, ^^ cow's 
hreahfast" hat. 

Bill. Good morning, Mr. Barton. 

Mr. Barton. Eh, what, what? [Hand to ear.] 

Bill [shouting]. I said *' Good-morning. " 

Mr. Barton. Oh, good mornin'. Bill, mornin', mornin'. 
Fine day. Bill. 

Bill [shottting]. What 's the good news down your way? 

Mr. Barton. What, what? 

Bill [shouting]. What 's the news? 

Mr. Barton. Shoes, eh, shoes — ^Looks at his own 
very untidy ones, then at Bill's.] What about shoes? 
I ain't had shoes for fourteen years. Wear boots 
like these. Get 'em at Carpenter's cheap sales. 

Bill [yelling]. I said, ''What 's the News.'' 

Mr. Barton. Oh, that 's it, is it ? News, hey ? Bet- 
ter tell Carpenter his sales were news to you. He 
ought to advertise them in that paper of yours. 

Bill. By gummy, so he ought. I '11 tell him too — 

Mr. Barton [moving on]. 'Bye, Bill. 

Bill, 'Bye, Mr. Barton. 

[Two women pa^s, deep in talk, do not notice Bill, 
who' takes out notebook, amd steps close to listen J 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 11 

First Woman, An' I sez to her, sez I, "Ann Jane 

Graves, where did you get that baby?" An' she 

sez, jest as cute, "Oh, the stork brought it." "Is 

it a boy or a child?" sez I, jest to tease her, an' 

she speaks up, as bold as brass, "It 's a girl an' her 

name 's Mary Ann." 
Second Woman. Oh, Mary Agatha, ain't she the smart 

one? [Exit.] 
Bill [writmg] . Well, it 's just as Jeff says, there 's 

lots of news if a fellow only keeps his eyes and ears 

open. 

Enter Lulu Looker, ^^all dolled tip.^^ She appears 

surprised at seeing Bill. 

Lulu. Oh, Mr. Williams. How do you do? How well 

you 're looking. I haven't seen you in ever so long. 
Bill. Hello Lu, what you all dolled up for, going 

to walk as far as the post office and back? 
Lulu [coquettiskly] . Oh, you go on, Billy Williams. 

Say, are you truly going to have a Society Column 

in TTie Howler f 
Bill [snatching out notebook]. Yeah. Say, listen, 

Lulu, can you tell me anything for it ? Who 's getting 

married — 
Lulu [excited]. Oo-oo! Is someone getting married? 

Aw, Billy, tell me, won't you? 
Bill. No, I won 't, you '11 see it in the paper. Besides, 

I don't know what them girls said — besides — 
Lulu. Oh Bill, just let me peek! [Snatches notebook, 

dodging Bill's attempts to recover it.] Oh, Grandpa 

Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green — Oh — oh — 
Bill. Now Lu, don't you do that, don't give it away — 



12 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

Lulu. 'Course I won't. But Bill, you mustn't for- 
get to put me in your Society Column. 

Bill [preparing to write]. What '11 I say? 

Lulu [laughing]. You ought to be able to write up 
a nice paragraph about the leading lady of this pros- 
perous town. Say I 'm going away or coming back 
or anything. 

Bill [soberly] . All right, Lu. Good-bye [as she walks 
away]. By gummy, I 'm getting a lot of news — a 
marriage, a party, a baby. "What '11 I do about Lu? 
Um-m — *' going away or coming back" — ^well, I '11 
say that, since she wants me to. 
Sam enters, nods and passes, hut Bill calls him and 
Sam comes hack. 

Bill. Oh Sam, Sam. ' 

Sam [coming hack]. What's the matter, Bill? 

Bill. Give us some news, Sam. We 're starting a 

Society Column in The Howler, and I 'm out looking 

for news. 
Sam. Society Column! Well, well, what next ? What 's 

the bright idea? 
Bill. Interest more people, see their names in the 

paper — ^^send to their friends — buy up more — 
Sam. I see you must get all the names you can. I '11 

give you news, sure. 

[Bill seizes notebook, and Sam begins.] 
Sam. Miss Joyce, the new school teacher, boards at 

Mrs. Silas Doane's. [Aside] (Shouldn't wonder if 

she and young Si take a shine to each other.) 
Aunt Sairey Ann Morrell has a fine brood of young 

ducks. [Aside.] (That old Plymouth Rock of hers 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 13 

is half crazy 'cause her chickens want to swim.) 
Three commercial travellers registered at Mrs. 
Doane's boarding house last week. [Aside.] (If a 
lot of them could taste Mother Doane's fried chicken 
and sponge cake, they wouldn't stay at half -rate ho- 
tels, even if we are two hours trolley ride from town.) 
Let me see. There goes Farmer Brown with a 
load of potatoes and apples to ship to Boston. 

Bill. Would you put him in the Society Column? 

Sam. Sure I would. Personal mention, that 's the 
thing. Look over yonder, that 's young Oliver Haw- 
kins and the Bindle girl. Some Peach. Oh, you 
OUie ! And down there at the brook-side, every rock 
has its spooners — can't you say something about 
spoons at the brook? 

"Little spooners at the brook — 
Everybody come and look.** 

Something chaste and literary, like that, ehl 

Bill. I '11 try. Oh, Jeff will straighten this mess all 
out. I 've news enough to fill a page, I guess, in- 
stead of a column. But my ! It 's most awfully mixed 
up. 

Sam. Don't worry, old scout. The news is the thing. 
Here 's Mamie Prince coming. 

Bill. Well, I '11 scoot. She '11 want to make me prom- 
ise not to print the news she gave me. Good-bye. 
[Exits.] 

Sam. Good-bye. [Enter Mamie.] How do yoia do, 
Mamie ? 

Mamie. How do you do, Sam. Have you seen Billy? 

Sam. Yes, I 've just had the time of my life filling 



14 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

him up with fake news for his Society Column. 

Mamie. Oh, have you? We girls told him a lot of 
foolish stuff. Of course he could see it was all non- 
sense, but I got nervous about it after the girls left 
me, and thought I 'd come back to tell him not to 
really put things in. 

Sam. Oh, don't you worry. Jeff will straighten that 
all out. You Ve just time for a walk with me before 
tea. * 

Mamie. Oh, if Jeff looks it over, it will be all right. 
I know Billy is so funny. Everybody tells him things 
just because he believes anything he 's told. "Why, 
we told him — - 

Sam. Never mind what you told him, Jeff's at the 
helm, so don't bother. Old Bill 's all right too, if 
he is an easy mark. Come, this way — [Exit.'] 

CURTAIN 



SCENE III 

Office. Jeff pacing up and down. Looks at watch. 
Looks out of window. Bill rushes in from outside, 
waving notebook. 

Jeff. Oh, there yoii are, thank goodness. I 've been 

waiting to get away. 
Bill. Can't get away, old bean. I 've a pocket full of 

news. . 

Jeff. That 's good. I 've a wire from home. Dad 's 

sick and I 've just twenty minutes to get that train. 
Bill. But see here. I 've got a lot of stuff here — 
Jeff. Fine. The first page is all done and the second. 

Jim Street is setting up the third, and the fourth 

page ads are set — ^two columns left for your stuff. 
Bill. But it 's all mixed up. I sha'n't know how to 

put it up. You 're the editor. I only grabbed off 

the news. 
Jeff [firmly] . You 're the whole works now. What 

you got anyway? [Getting into coat and hat."] 
Bill [leafing over notebook desperately']. Marriage — ■ 

visitors — new school teacher — new baby — 
Jeff. That 's fine, go ahead. Write it up and set Jim 

at it. Must go — 'bye. Send me a copy by late mail. 

Just put down what they gave you. 
Bill. Oh, I say, Jeff — Jeff. Good Lord, he 's gone 

— what the deuce — [Sits at desk and registers des- 
pair.] 

15 



16 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

Jim Street [sticks head in door at rear]. Got that 
last page ready, Bill? Hurry up your copy. 

Bill. Oh, heavens! [Begins to copy on tablet.] How 
to put it down — ' ' Just what they gave you, ' ' says 
old Jeff. "Well, that 's easy. Grandpa Smalley and 
Aunt Jennie Green going to be married. That won't 
do. How do they put down that sort of thing, any- 
way? [Grabs a paper from pile, hunts for Society 
Column — reads.] Here it is. Engaged — Married. 
**A marriage has been arranged" — oh, piffle. ''Mr. 
and Mrs. Jones-Smith announce the engagement — " 
darn it, that won't do. Oh, I '11 just have to put 
it down the way it is. [Writes.] ''We are told" — 
that will do [writing] that Grandpa Smalley and 
, Aunt Jennie Green are to be married. Congratula- 
tions." By gummy! That looks good. Neat and 
to the point . . . Now who was next? — oh, 
Lucie. "What 's this? Oh, I '11 just put it the way 
she told me. "Our beautiful young townswoman, 
Miss Lucie Van Loan — neighboring metropolis — - 
[Writes.] "The clever and interesting daughter of 
our local physician" — that Bess is the limit. Article 
accepted by Ledger — ^that 's what she said. Wonder 
what it was about. [Writing.] "Miss Mamie Prince 
entertained the Ladies' Aid." 

Jim [poking head in rear door]. Say, got any of that 
copy yet? 

Bill [handing copy]. Here you are. Begin on that 
while I write the rest. 

Jim [takes copy and begins to read it]. Say, what's 
this stuff ? Do you want me to set up that stuff about 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 17 

old Cephas Smalley and Aunt Jennie and Lucie and 
Mamie ? 

Bill. Sure, that 's the Society Column. 

Jim. But g-osh ! Bill, you 're crazy ! 

Bill. Get out. I guess I soon will be. I 'm doing 
just what Jeff told me. Chase yourself. 
Jim goes off muttering. 

Bill. What next^ Oh, Mr. Barton's boots. [Writ- 
ing.] **Mr. James Barton tells us that he wears a 
pair of boots, purchased at Mr. Carpenter's sales, 
for many years. If Mr. Carpenter advertised in The 
Howler, many of our fellow-townsmen might be able 
to profit by these sales." There, Jack Carpenter, 
that 's one on the nob for you ! Now that baby. 
Ann Jane Graves — I wonder who she is ? Don 't know. 
It 's safe to say Mrs. Ann Jane Graves. *'The stork 
has made a visit to the home of Mrs, Ann Jane 
Graves, and left a fine baby girl. The baby is named 
Mary Ann. ' ' That 's easy. Now what did that gooee 
Lulu say — ^that she was leading lady and was going 
away or coming back. She couldn't be both, so 
what '11 I say? *^Our leading lady. Miss Lulu Looker, 
is either going away or coming back." Oh, that 
won't do. ''Our leading lady, Miss Lulu Looker, is 
leaving us for a short visit to friends in New York." 
That looks fine, but I don't know whether it 's true 
or not. Serves Lu right, anyway. 

Jim [coming in]. More copy. By gracious, Bill, you 'd 
better get out a hundred extra copies. 

Bill. All right, take this, get out. 

Jim [reads as he goes, looks 'back at Bill]. My gosh! 



18 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

Bill, Now here's Sam's stuff [writing and talking]. 
Miss Joyce, new teacher — Mrs. Doane's — young Si- 
shine — Aunt Sairey Ann Morrell — young ducks — 
Plymouth rock — crazy — Three commercial travellers 
— Mrs. Doane — fried chicken — sponge cake — hotels — 
Mr. Ezekiel Brown — potatoes and apples — Now 
about that Bindle girl and Oliver Hawkins. *'Miss 
Bindle and Mr. Oliver Hawkins enjoyed" — ^by gummy 
— ''a walk to Brookside, where (how did he say 
that?) every rock has its spooners? ^ 

"Little spooners "by the brook, 
Everybody come and look." 

By gummy, that 's some poetry. Guess I 'd better 
put in about poor old Jeff. How is it he always 
says that? Oh, yes. "Ye editor has been called to 
Ingleside by the illness of his father. ' ' I guess that 's 
all. By gummy — what a job. [Calls:] Jim! 

Jim [outside]. What yuh want? 

Bill. Come here. [Enter Jim.] Here 's the rest of 
that copy. I 'm nearly dead. 

Jim. You '11 be all dead when this copy comes out. 

Bill. Don 't you think it 's all right, Jim ? 

Jim [sarcastically] . Sure, it 's a peach of a column. ^ 

Bill [relieved] . Well, I hope it 's all right. It 's up 
to Jeff, anyway. Send him a copy by the late mail. 
Care Mr. B. B. Stewart, Ingleside. 

Jim. All right, old chap. 

Bill. I 'm going to supper now. G'bye. [Goes out.] 

Jim. G'bye. [Goes out with copy.] 

CURTAIN 



SCENE IV 

Office. Next day. Jeff striding up and down. 
Bill at rear door. 

Jeff. Oh, it 's awful. Awful. Haven't you amy sense, 

Bill ? To put in such rot ! We 're ruined. No one 

will ever look at us again. Poor old dad. He says, 

''Get out — I 'm sick,- but your paper is sicker." 
Bill. Aw, but see here, Jeff. I told you I couldn't 

write that up, and you went off and left me. 
Jeff. But couldn't you see those girls were stuffing 

you? 
'BuAj [indignantly] . They were not. By gummy. Look, 

Jeff, here come the girls. Here 's where I vanish. 
Jeff. Come back here. 
Bill. Not me. [Jeff grabs him and they wrestle as 

girls enter, Bess, Mamie^ Lucie^ Lulu and ' ' The Bin- 

DLE G];rl."] 
Mamie. Why, what 's the matter? [All exclaim] For 

goodness sake ! Boys, oh boys ! [The Bindle Girl 

says] Gee-ee! 

[Jeff and Bill stop wrestling — look foolish hut try 
to look dignified.] 

Jeff. Why, how do you do, ladies. This is a great 

pleasure. 
Bess [sarcastically]. Is it? Well, perhaps you'll 

change your mind before we 're through. 
Mamie. Oh Bill, how could you, and Jeff, how could 

19 



20 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

you, put in all that foolishness? We were only in 
fun. 

Bill. How was I to know? Jeff told me to ask those 
questions and you answered and then Jeff cleared 
out and left me to go it alone, and I never fixed up 
copy before and so I just put down what you said. 

Lucie [groans']. Oh, "Our beautiful townswoman — !" 

Bess. "The clever and interesting daughter" — ! Billy, 
what do you suppose that "article" in The Ledger 
was anyway? 

Bill. How do I know? 

Bess. Well, Eover lost the tag off his collar, and I 
advertised it. Some article! "Clever and interest- 
ing" — ooh! 

Bill. I '11 take it all back. I '11 say next week that 
you 're not beautiful or clever and interesting. 

Lucie and Bess. Wretch! 

Lulu. And callin' me "our leading lady" — ! ~ 

Bill. You said it yourself. 

Lulu. Bill Williams! Haven't you any sense a-tall? 

Bill. Nary, I guess. 

The Bindle Girl. Ollie was awful mad. But I thought 
the poetry was grand. 

Lulu [loftily]. You little goose! 

The Bindle Girl. Well, Ollie says if he knew who 
told that to Bill, he 'd punch his head. But he knew 
Jeff was away and Bill hadn't brains enough to 
write poetry. 

Bill. Blessed be nothing. 

Lulu. Well, I '11 just tell you, Billy Williams. ' You 
think you're so smart, but I told dad I wouldn't 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 21 

stay here and be laughed at about that "leading 
lady" business, and he says I can go to Aunt Betty's 
in New York for a long visit. So there! [Exit.] 

Bill. Well now [smiling], wasn't it good I put that 
in? It got Lulu her visit. 

Jeff [hitterly]. It's the only decent thing you said 
and it was a lie. 

Enter Sam. 

Sam. Well, well, well. Where 's the chap with the 
three-decker brain that edits that Society Column? 
Bill. You dry up. You 're the one that — 
Sam [finger on lip]. Hush-sh-sh. Tell it not in Gath. 
Publish it not in Ascalon. If I live, I just saw 
Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie Green making 
for here, and I bet you there '11 be some fireworks 
when they arrive. I never mentioned tJiem. 
[Bill makes a dash for rear door. Jeff steps before 
it and stops him. He then dashes for other door to 
he stopped hy Sam^ who steps aside to allow Aunt 
Jennie Green to enter.] 

Aunt Jennie. Where 's the smart Alec that knows 
so much about Lonedale society? Jeff Stewart, you 
young scamp, if I was big enough I 'd give you a 
good — 

Enter Grandpa Smalley — red hot. 

Grandpa Smalley. Where 's that chap that put my 
name in his Society Column? [Bounces in front of 
table and pounds it and shouts]. How dare you, I say, 
how dare you ! I 'm a respectable citizen — name in 
your Society Column. Jennie Green — ^fine woman — 
using her name — [Girls hold each other's hands and 



22 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

look on, half amused, half frightened. Sam tries to 
put arm around Mamie, hut she pushes him awuy, hut 
clings to his hand. All jump, and say, '^Ohl'' each 
time Grandpa Smalley pounds the table. Jeff and 
Bill stand hehind desk shoulder to shoulder. Aunt 
Jennie Green perks up and gets mad. Not at all 
frightened. Grandpa Smalley continues to shout and 
pound desk. Aunt Jennie keeps out of his sight 
hut keeps drawing near.] Young scamps, makin' 
game of respectable people. Fine woman, Jennie 
Green. She 'd 'a' been Mrs. Smalley forty years ago 
if she hadn't turned me down. What do you mean— 

Aunt Jennie [comies forward. At sight of her, 
Grandpa Smalley shrinks hack in amazement.'] What 
you mean, yourself, Cephas Smalley ? Thumpin ' tables 
at them poor boys 'at 's tryin' to do their best with 
their paper. Ain't you ashamed? Don't you glare 
at me. I ain't a-scared of you. An' how dare you 
say I turned you down forty years ago, when you 
never asked me? 

Grandpa. Aw now, Jen. 

Aunt Jennie. Don't you ''Jen" me. An' you goin' 
off. with never a word and never comin ' back ! 

Grandpa. But, Jen, you wouldn't see me when I came. 

Aunt Jennie. An' me with the hull side of my face 
swole out with a toothache. I 'd be likely to see you. 

Grandpa. Aw, Jen ! 

Aunt Jennie. Don't you dare call me a fine woman. 

Grandpa [gets mad]. Now Jen Green, you just shut 
up. You know after we fit at the Baptist sociable, 
I went to see you and you wouldn't see me. 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 23 

Aunt Jennie. An' you went off the next day, and 
never wrote and never came back — 

Grandpa. Well, I was so darned mad — 

Aunt Jennie. No excuse — I was kind of mad myself. 

Grandpa. Well, and then I got workin' in Noo York, 
and got married and Cynthy died and the kids were 
growin' up and I thought you married Jerry Fiske — 

Aunt Jennie [contempttiously]. Jerry Fiske! 

Grandpa. Wal, see here, Jen. I ain't got a soul but 
Art's children and I 've got to give up my home 
and go and live with them an' I hate to. I got an 
awful nice little place there — an' I heard you was 
goin' to an old ladies' home. 

Aunt Jennie. So I be. 

[Young people nudge each other, and watch excitedly.] 

Grandpa. Well, look here, Jen. Come, let 's get mar- 
ried now. The idea of you in an old ladies' home! 

Aunt Jennie. I wasn't goin' as an occupant, I was 
goin' as a matron. 

Grandpa. Good gracious, Jen ! You come along 'ith 
me and we '11 jest stop at the squire's and get a li- 
cense and go over to the parson's and get married 
and go home. 

Aunt Jennie. Oh Cephas, I can't. 

Jeff. Yes, you can. Aunt Jennie. Sure you can — 

Aunt Jennie. You keep still, Jeff Stewart. You made 
enough mischief. 

Grandpa. Let the boy alone. All his nonsense has 
helped us both out. Come on, Jen. 

Girls. Can't we come? Do let us come too. 

Grandpa. No you don't. We're old enough to get 



24 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

married without a bunch of kids kitin' round. [Exit.] 
[Sam, Bill, Jeff and girls all evince greut glee.] 

All. Isn't it great! Golly. Gee-ee. Gorgeous! 

Bill [swaggers around, thumbs in armhole^ of vest]. 
Takes your Uncle Dudley to match-make. Not so 
worse for a matrimonial bureau. Gosh, here comes 
Si Doane and Miss Joyce with him. 

Enter Doane and Miss Joyce. 

Si. Look here, you two smarties, I jest want to tell 
you this. Miss Joyce and I were engaged three 
months before she came here to teach, and we 're 
going to be married next summer. So you 're not 
so smart as you think 'yourselves. 

[Girls and hoys crowd around with congraiidations — 
Si and Miss Joyce thank them.] 

Si. And here 's a note from mother to tell you what 
she thinks about what you said about her. 

Bill [head in his hands] . Oh lord, that 's another. 

Jeff [opens note. All crowd around]. ''Dear Jeff: 
Thank you for that kind mention of my boarding 
house. I 've had telephone messages from three par- 
ties at Hillsboro who want to come here for week- 
ends. You boys have done me a good turn and you 
can just call on me if ever I can do anything for 
you. ' ' 

Bill. Hurray, did anyone say I couldn't write copy? 
Now who 's here? 

Enter Little Girl with doll carriage and dolt. 

Little Girl. "Where 's the man that writes the paper? 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 25 

Jeff. I 'm it, dearie. What can I do for you^ 
Little Girl. I wanted to tell you how glad I am you 

put that in your paper about the baby. 
Jeff. Is it a little sister, dear? 
Little Girl. Oh no, it 's my own baby, an' I brought 

her down for you to see. [Begins to take doll out 

of carriage.] 
Mamie. Oh, oh, a doll. What 's your name, dear? 
Little Girl. My name is Ann Jane Graves. Miss 

Ann Jane Graves. 

[Bill pretends to faint and girls aoid hoys shout with 
laughter.] 
Little Girl. 'Course you said Mrs. but I 'm only Miss. 
Lucie. Your baby has blue eyes, and yours are brown — 
Little Girl. Yes, she 'sembles her father. 

[BiLL^ who had straightened up to see ''the hahy/' 
immediately faints again. All admire doll. Little 
girl tucks it into carriage and goes out.] 

Little Girl. Good-bye, and thank you ever so much. 

The Bindle Girl. Gee-ee. 

Bill [immediately reviving]. Behold Billiam Williams, 

'the great happifier. 
Bess. Billy, you are the biggest goose. 
Bill. Well, here 's where I quit. I took this job with 

Jeff, thinkin' I 'd get here near you and that you 'd 

like a high-brow job. 
Jeff. High-brow ! Good heavens ! 
Bess. I should say so, when I 'm crazy to farm and you 

have such a gorgeous farm, Billy Williams! 
Bill. Oh, my gummy, Bess, will you, will you? Say, 

folks, excuse us, Bess and I are engaged. 



26 THE SOCIETy COLUMN 

All. Congratulations. 

Bess. Go on, Bill means — 

All. Oh, we know what Billy means— 



Bill. Come on, Bess, away from this idiotic bunch. 
Enter Mr. Carpenter. Boys and girls try to look 
sober aofid husinesslihe. 

Mr. Carpenter. Is the editor in? 

Bill [waving hand towards Jeff]. This is the editor. 
Mr. Jefferson Stewart. 

Mr. Carpenter [shaking hands] . Glad to meet you, sir. 
Like to see a young fellow with some enterprise. My 
name *s Carpenter. [Bill^ pretends to holt, hut Bess 
holds him hy arm.] 

Jeff. Yes, Mr. Carpenter. I expect you called about 
that paragraph in our Society Column yesterday. I 'm 
sorry. 

Mr. Carpenter. No need, no need, sir! Needn't be 
sorry. Fine ad. But just the same lots of truth in it, 
'specially that part that says — [pulls out paper and 
reads] : "If Mr. Carpenter advertised in The Howler, 
others of our fellow-townsmen might be able to profit 
by those sales. ' ' That 's sense, sir, and here 's where 
I arrange with you for a good front page ad. 

Jeff [draws chair up to tahle]. Sit down, Mr. Car- 
penter. Now, here 's our first page. I could give you 
[voices hecome low, Mr. Carpenter, and Jeff with 
pencil and paper, planning ad. Sam^, Mamie, Bill, 
Bess, Lucie and Bindle Girl watching and nudging 
one another.] 

Mr. Carpenter [rising] . Well, that 's all right. Good 
day, sir. [Shakes hands.] 



THE SOCIETY COLUMN 27 

Jeff. Good day, sir. [Exit Mr. Carpenter.] 

Jeff [pounds Bill on haclc]. By golly, Bill, it 's a go. 

We '11 make it yet. 
Bill. Not me. Make it go yourself. Take Jim Street, 

he 's crazy to stick on with you. I 'm going back 

to the farm. Bess and I — 

[Bill and Bess go out arm in arm, looking hack and 
waving laughingly.] 

Jeff. Well, I never. Look here. This Society Column 
really will be a go if you people will give it a boost. 

Sam. Sure we will. Won't we, Mamie? Mame and 
I may have a bit of news for that column some day. 

Jeff. You 've nothing on Lucie and me. Have they, 
Lucie ? 

Lucie. Not a thing, Jeff, old dear. 

The Bindle Girl. Gee-ee. You 're all matched off, 
ain't yez? I guess I 'd better go find Ollie. [Exit.] 

Jeff. Now about this Society Column. We can all 
scout for news. If you will help and then — 

Lucie. I '11 try to handle it if you like, Jeff. 

Sam. That 's right Lucie. Nothing like getting your 
hand in and keeping the job in the family. 

Mamie. And just think of all the matches made^ — 

Lucie. No, discovered. 

Mamie. Well, discovered, by poor Billy's Society Col- 
umn. 

Jeff. Grandpa Smalley and Aunt Jennie [who come 
in here.] 

Sam. Si and Miss Joyce. [Enter Si and Miss Joyce.] 

Mamie. Billy and Bess. [Enter Bill and Bess.] 

Lucie. And all of us. 



28 THE SOCIETY COLUMN 

JEFF. Don't forget OUie and the Bindle girl. [Enter 

Ollie and The Bindle Girl.] 
Mamie. Oh, and Miss Ann Jane Graves. [Enter Ann 

Jane Graves.] 
All. Hurrah for the Society Column! 

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